Art and Science

We spent time at the hospital yesterday going over the autopsy report. Our son's oncologist from his days in the pediatric ward graciously spent a great deal of time with us, as did the social worker we have come to know and love. His current oncologist was not available but I imagine we'll spend some time with her at some point.

The biggest part of it was some kind of closure - although we had previously had some controversies about the manner of his recent care, there was really nothing in the report that would indicate anything more than that he was a very, very sick young man - and apparently exceedingly brave. The main cause of death was heart failure - he had congestive heart failure '..consistent with anthrocycline induced cardiomyopathy' - fancy talk for late damage to his heart from the two previous, heavy rounds of chemotherapy. He also had extensive infections (bacterial and candida) throughout his body and internal organs which most likely contributed to the overall stress on his system. It's terribly hard to read something like this - we were so grateful that a friend drove nearly two hours to be with us in the afternoon.

But even the doctor was a bit puzzled by some elements of the report - in the sense that some things seemed clear, some were less clear - and as a researcher and clinician, he of course will go over this and perhaps learn something valuable that might help other patients - and that was our hope. As never before I understood why medicine is called an Art - it is a scientific art, but it is not as black and white as we'd like to think. Trying to intuit what is going on inside the complex (fearfully and wonderfully made) closed system of the body by looking at clues gleaned from the outside is anything but precise. As advanced as modern medicine is, with all the diagnostic tools at their disposal, there are simply things they can't know; things only an autopsy can tell them - and therefore advance the 'art' a bit more.

I could feel my deep struggle - the conflict between wanting to be reassured that nothing bad had been done, or not done, that hastened his death - but also struggling with letting go of that last dark and desparate need to find something or someone to blame that was still lingering deep in my heart - something to 'explain it all' and someone to strike out at in my hurt and anger. Ah, the way men process grief - let no one tell you men and women are the same; but thank God we are not - for in our differences, we often intersect and comfort each other in ways and times that could not happen if we grieved exactly the same.

We are complicated creatures - the heart has mysterious ways beyond our understanding. Even while I struggled through that dark corridor, I also recalled the strong confidence we had the night of his death, and in the days after, that God's hand was ever present; each little sign post and marker along the way that comforted us with the assurance that nothing was left to chance - even though it is so hard to bear. Reading of all the compromises to his poor body - I can't imagine how it was that he didn't cry out in pain constantly in those last days and weeks.

Yet it was his calm demeanor, and his peace with it all on so many levels that made the suddenness of his passing such a shock - as if it never occurred to any of us that he was so close to death. Perhaps no one really knew - but God clearly did - there were just too many things in retrospect that make us believe that. That he was ready to be with his beloved Lord Jesus was never in doubt - but that he wanted to get better and get on with his life here was also never in doubt. It is indeed a mystery that we never know the full answer to.

Nevertheless, we are still pursuing ways to make care better for others - including a contact I received today from the LiveStrong foundation (in response to my inquiry about how to help move things towards having an AYA (Adolescent and Young Adult) treatment program. I am very encouraged by their positive and quick response - from a doctor at a major university hospital where such a program exists. I pray that it may be so that all the 'lines fall in pleasant places' and that this may come to pass. There is such a need for a place where young people can make the transition between pediatric and adult care - they are currently worlds apart in so many ways.

In God's infinite wisdom, we also spent time this morning with a friend who is a missionary in France - and is supporting a space for artists - artists who are Christians primarily, but not 'Christian Art' as some kind of limiting construct. All artists are welcome to participate, to use the space, to exhibit - but they are surrounded by the love and care and hearts for God of these people and many artists who are Christians. Art - music, painting, poetry, etc. - reaches beyond and between the barriers to merely 'propositional truth' presented as words which are often heavily laden with bad associations for many seekers. And so it is - Art and Science, and science that is art - in all of these God is glorified and His creation and love and purpose unfold around us.

So, even with the autopsy report before us - the quest for how, and yes, even much of the why? still eludes us really - but there is some closure; and more work to be done. As Paul reminds us in Hebrews 12

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.

Pray for us that we might run to God's glory, and in honor of our son's brief but beautiful life.