The Truth will set you free?

Of course, Jesus was referring to the truth of who He was - the Way, the Truth, and the Light - and the larger truth that we are under the curse of sin and death, from which we cannot extricate ourselves by our own efforts. But even I often lightly use that phrase in all sorts of contexts and now a challenge is right before my face.

I received a letter from the hospital that our son's autopsy report is complete and that we are welcome to come and discuss it with the doctors who cared for him. The problem for me is that I had a number of controversies with the doctors about some of the things that were happening (or not happening) with his care in the weeks leading up to his death. Some were addressed, some were not - and now I have the opportunity to see the full autopsy report.

The question for me now is - (to paraphrase Jack Nicholson)

"Can I handle the Truth?"

Will it set me free to know the 'how' and the 'what'- even if it breaks my heart? If there were in fact 'errors and omissions' which led to his sudden death, will I be consumed with rage and anger because my earlier concerns were not addressed to my satisfaction? Will I have the grace and ability to truly forgive? Of course, forgiveness is not a passive action - we still want to make sure that whatever happened, that they can learn from it and that any missteps (if there were any) can be identified, procedures modified or corrected, communication improved and at least help someone else to perhaps get better treatment and care.

But perhaps equally frightening, what if there were no contributing factors - that his heart just gave out because of the cumulative effects of the chemotherapy damage that we knew had weakened his heart and there is 'no one to blame'? I understand that anger is a strong component of the grief process - particularly for men - but I also understand that if there were real 'wrongs' that it is possible to channel that justifiable anger into positive action. But if there is no one to be 'angry at', will the loss of that perverse hope, which I have come to realize has been hidden in the dark depths of my heart, be yet another blow sending me deeper into sorrow and grief?

We have established a fund to help bring attention to, and potentially help create, a program at the hospital to provide specialized treatment for adolescents and young adults (AYA)- and that will continue no matter what. And there truly are vast differences between the way that pediatric patients and adult patients are treated - for reasons that are difficult to understand; that at least I would like to see addressed. In that way, I hope that our son would be honored - and that he would be pleased that his legacy of helping and comforting those in need would continue, even beyond the grave.

So the question remains - will the truth (of the autopsy) set me free? I pray that it will - that if there are things identified which need to be corrected, I will have the courage and strength to pursue those with all my strength to the benefit of others and in honor of his memory. And if nothing untoward is identified, I will still press on to change the way AYA patients are cared for - and be at peace that they did all they could for him within the confines of their current understanding.

Ultimately, the truth that sets us free is that God is good, and loving, and wants our good. That He is in charge, and is never surprised by what happens. At the tomb of Lazarus 'Jesus wept' - that shortest verse in the Bible tells us that he is touched by grief just as we are. Indeed, Hebrews 4:15 tells us:

"For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet was without sin."

So we grieve, and feel anger but we have hope - and it is a profound mystery of our human condition that we can bear much pain and grief as long as there is hope. There is no greater darkness than the loss of hope.

John 8:36 So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.

Pray for us that God will be glorified in this - and that whatever we do or say will be filled with grace and truth.

Love not the World

Hard to say how that works in practice but I've heard the greatest source of disillusionment is.... illusions. (duh). Losing our only son (24) to cancer recently (5/28/08) caused me to question the value of many things I thought were precious and/or important. "You wouldn't know a diamond if you held it in your hand - The things you think are precious I just can't understand" - Thank Donald Fagen/Michael Becker for that great line (Reeling in the Years)

What doesn't change in value is the hope we have in Jesus Christ - its hard to argue with the experiential reality of suffering, death, resurrection - as opposed to some merely metaphysical constructs. I always said I never liked to ask my staff to do anything I wouldn't do, particularly dangerous or boring things - God has done that in spades through Jesus Christ. Oddly, He both suffered, and lost a Son (nice to be the mystery of 3 in 1 to make that all work)

We were given a wonderful book called "When Life Takes What Matters" by Susan Lenzkes - normally I cringe when I think about giving someone who is grieving a book - but this one was a blessing indeed. As she so potently observed, the question I need to be wrestling with now is not WHY did Jon die (you'll notice Job never got that WHY question answered either - at least not in his earthly life) but rather HOW is God glorified in this - how will this be redeemed to His glory'?

Asking 'why?' ultimately has to lead to despair - and eventually a questioning of God's goodness, purpose, love and even His competence. Asking 'how will this fall out to God's glory and my good?' - contains hope, faith and the exhortation to have the courage to wait for something that will be observable - when is not made clear, but there is still that hope.

In John 11:4 Jesus says "... This sickness is not unto death, but for the glory of God, that the Son of God might be glorified thereby..."; Martha more or less openly rebukes Jesus for not being there to save her brother Lazarus, then enters into a challenging religious dialog about the future resurrection - yet though she brought up the same accusation, Mary fell at his feet and wept. Both saw the hope of the resurrection as a 'type' in Lazarus - on that day I'd have rather been in Mary's state of mind - but I'm more often like Martha (or the Samaritan woman at the well). Oh, and of course what no one ever mentions - Lazarus did eventually die - old age, or sickness, or something - but he surely must have died or we'd probably have some glorious mention of it preserved - like for Enoch and Elijah.

Losing our son like this hurts like nothing I've ever experienced before - kidney stones included (they have excellent meds for that pain) - so how exactly does one do this 'well' (or at all), and look with hope to God's glory in it all? Granted we've gotten foretastes - brief images of things we could not have imagined; its a mighty hard road right now and those brief insights are like those little shiny markers on a dark and unfamiliar road.